so many wishes and not a magic lamp in sight...

i would blog about something happy if i could, but i think thats nigh on impossible right now. i just can't. i'm being eaten alive from the inside out and nothing has ever hurt more. i really really doubt i should be blogging this, but oh well, here goes nothing huh? i just don't know what to do anymore, i mean, i can fix everything can't i? i guess not. what do you do when the one thing you want to fix most in the world, is not only the one thing you can't solve, but its your own fault as well? it is the worst feeling that i can imagine, and i really hope it doesn't get worse than this, because, wow this sucks. i don't understand how a person can contain this many extreme emotions at once, i really really don't how can one be so happy and so depressed simultaneously? i don't get it. All i know is that its eating me up and i'm falling apart. thats the only way to put it. my seams have all been ripped out and i can't move for fear of breaking into pieces, well, more pieces that is. happiness and love are so often equated, but they aren't the same at all. i just wish they were, and then, then maybe i could fix this. but my love isn't enough, not now, not ever, nothing i do ever is, i can't be perfect, i try so hard and it doesn't happen. i can't make anyone happy, let alone everyone. i might as well stop worrying about it. but i can't not worry about it, i can't not care, because thats who i am and who i will always be. so i'm just gonna try my best to make the rest of the world as happy as possible, and maybe one day that smile will truly shine.