the threads were just left hanging

hmm... i know i feel like updating, but the topic of this update has yet to be discovered. i had planned to make it to bed at a reasonable hour this evening, but, once again my mind just won't let me, crazy thing. i guess any hour can be considered reasonable, it just depends on what you are doing. but, whatever, tomorrow is my last day to sleep in for a very long time and i plan to make the most of it. the thought of school bearing down on me is almost enough to make me cry. what about school is so miserable? i guess the fact that i know exactly what is coming, and its nothing too grand. one semester left. just one. maybe then i can get some freedom. ever feel like you're trapped inside one of those invisible fences? and you just never are sure when you are about to cross the line, but suddenly you do and zap, it hurts and no one is happy, most of all, not you. i find out whether i'm into college in 28 days. but i know i'm in, the question lies in the money, which is essentially what will dictate my final decision. the tough thing is that i think i know how the money situation will turn out, and i'm none to happy about it. its in God's hands though. and He of anyone knows what He's doing, so i'd rather leave it up to Him anyway. i think one of the worst feelings in the world is dread, and for whatever reason, i'm totally overwhelmed by it. i've so often tried to lived day by day, moment by moment, but is that really very practical? i guess i'm just too down to earth. actually no, i feel more like a dreamer who has been chained to the earth. i always look ahead to whats coming, base decisions on numerous other factors, weigh consequences, but why can't i just live? for some reason i feel like that impossible for me. at least right now it seems to be. i dont know, i have no idea. all i keep thinking is that everything will be better once i'm 18, once i graduate, once something big happens. but will it? Dear God, I hope it does. what am i doing wrong to make myself so miserable? i just dont understand. i dont understand much right now. i do understand some things and thats a big consolation. i think i'd go crazy if i knew nothing, but its impossible for humans to know absolutely nothing, that makes me glad. i'm just so anxious and i absolutely abhor that feeling. hopefully it'll get better, i'm praying it does. in the mean time i guess life isn't so terrible, i just feel like crap a lot of the time, i dont get it. i probably shouldnt post any of this, but who cares? not many people read this anyways. life is ok, the sun will rise tomorrow, and life will go on... yeah yeah, i've heard it a million times, but it doesnt make me feel any better. i dont know whats wrong with me tonight, but i will feel much better after a good night's sleep. i love you all and sorry for the dreary post. love. : )