take my world apart

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and a lot of it kind of came together today. I realized there are a lot of things, expectations, hopes, dreams etc, that even though they are Godly and well-meant, I still have been holding onto way too tightly(actually holding on at all), and I have to give everything to God, good and bad. Regardless, there are still a lot of things I'm not sure of right now. Well actually, I am sure that I'm unsure of most things right now. But, I am sure of God, and His love and His power and might. Of His greatness and wonderfulness. Of who He is. I want him to take my world apart so that I rely totally and completely on Him. I cannot express in human words how I am feeling in this moment, but its an amazing feeling. Such an insatiable desire for God. I'm starving and yearning and longing for everything He has for me. My heart is calling out for Him, reaching and grasping for Him, for His heart. I'm overwhelemed by everything He is. He really died for me. Shake my paradigm to pieces Lord. Take my world apart, I want You and only You.

This song by Jars of Clay, "Worlds Apart", really speaks a lot of what my heart is feeling tonight.

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love, To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice?
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

And I pray, To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart Take it now, take it now

And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds Apart.

rivers of thought

I think I think too much. I think. lol. there are so many thoughts that flow through my mind constantly. like a river. It just keeps flowing, from somewhere far away to somewhere else farther away. and the river is made up of so many different parts, water from all different places, all converging on one place, my head. there are those constant currents that wont ever leave, always there, on my mind, always present. then there is everything else that is fleeting from here to there, and somehow back again. I think God is that unseen force which keeps the river flowing, always flowing, he makes it rises during floods, and replenishes it with rain during the dry seasons. this probably doesnt make sense to anyone but me and God, but ah well, c'est la vie.
I think so much, so often, all the time, sometimes I wish my mind would turn off, for no reason other than just wanting some peace and quiet from myself. there are a few things I can almost never get off my mind, but I want the One thing that never leaves my mind, that which is the essense of my whole river of thought, to be my God, my Jesus. Be my river of thought Father, let all the rest of my life and thoughts drown in You God. Be my essence. Be my thoughts. Be my river. Be my life. I want it to be just You and I Lord. I want to swim in Your presence.
I love you my God, my King.

What's the desire of your heart?

Life sure can be amazing and crazy all at the same time. Its funny how that works. I've definitely not been getting enough sleep lately, so I have for sure been less exuberant than normal, but things are looking up in the sleep department. Got a pretty restful weekend looking at me right now, just a football game and some movies tomorrow : D! I'm excited!
I so want to be able to write songs, I mean I guess I kind of can, and I kind of have, but I don't know, I haven't felt very creative lately... Then again, if iI spend more time with the Creator, I might be able to create a few things myself : ) Thats my goal, to just spend time with my God. That is the remedy to so many things, just about everything really : ) I want to know God so well, so intimately, I want to be less of me and so much more of Him. He must increase, I must decrease.
I really have been so so so so so so in awe of God lately, just being speechless before Him, just overwhelmed by His beauty and love and grace and power. He is so good!!!!!! I love you God!! Be the desire of my heart Lord.
What's the desire of your heart?

music, love, and georgia

wow. life is amazing. absolutely amazing and indescribable. : D i just got back from a spectacular weekend in atlanta. 8 people, 7 seats, 6 hours, 5 thrifty items, 4 amazing bands, 3 glorious days, 2 many people in a van, 1 God. wow. what a weekend. rode down with David, Marshall, Brian, Jacob, John Bingham, Tiphani, and Britty. yayayyay! it was so good to visit Stephen and see people from home and get to know others better!! yay Britty! yay awesome people! anyways, we went to a random highschool football game, had a massive bonfire, did some very successful thrifting in downtown atlanta and to top off the amazing weekend went to see COPELAND! it was one of the best shows i've ever been to for sure, i had so much fun : ) what a great weekend.
in other less recent news(since i havent updated in a million years, no exaggeration, really haha), My friend Jordan and I have been writing some songs, we are totally making a cd one day, like we really are : D yay! hmmm, yeah, college is crazy. my life is crazy, busy-crazy that is. i mean its all amazing, but crazy-busy too. i feel like i might explode or collapse with everything any second, but at the same time, everything is good. kind of a weird feeling, anyways. sorry for the shallow update, but i'll leave you with this: give me sleep and i'll give you deep.